oh god.

First post in months… Looking back, I have NO CLUE what I was even talking about… uhm, what??

mixed signals.

I hate them. I can’t tell if this is a “the drunk heart speaks the sober mind” or if it is just drunken bullshit… I just can’t tell. But I can tell you… In the moment, I am so happy. Which scares the absolute shit out of me… 

What does this mean? 

Here I am, finals week 2011 and surprisingly I am not freaking out. My world around me is basically falling apart and I am calm. Someone explain it to me? I don’t get it whatsoever. While I am about to be living with a stranger, I just quit my job, and am going through a “who am I” stage in life I am sitting here in MY living room baking. BAKING. Like nothing is going on. I don’t know if I am learning to manage my stress or what… 

On a super fanstastic rant: I love my friends. I am so blessed to have them in my life. ALSO, getting sex on the reg is soooooo nice. 

RANT OVER. 

What did I do to deserve this? All I want to know is why this has to happen to me? I understand people change, I understand that circumstances change, I get that sometimes people don’t get along…. but you know me. You know what would hurt the most. YOU know my biggest fear… which is about to be my reality. You know me better than anyone and you are going to use this to hurt me. Seriously, I can’t pretend anymore. I can’t be nice anymore. I can’t believe YOU of all people would do this to me. And to think… you were my best friend… 

creeps love me. 

Can’t I find a guy who is genuine and sincere. That doesn’t invite me to look at the stars in the middle of a cotton field to get in my pants but just so he can spend time with me. 

This whole “wait until your true love comes” is getting a little old. 

what gives?

Hello, My name is Emily. I am a control freak. When someone else is in control I lose it. I become a person I am not. When I lose control, I lose my mind, my sense of judgement, and apparently… my morals. Well, admitting is the first step. And this ends today! 

is feeling very alone tonight… :( 

I just want to cuddle. 

the drunk mind speaks the sober heart. 

I cannot possibly be it all nor can I do it all and yet I keep trying. I cannot pretend that everything is okay, I cannot sit here with a smile and pretend I am not hurting. It is times like these that you really learn who cares about you, who is there for you, and most importantly, who your real friends are. Eventually I will get over it, move on, and forget all about it… eventually…

I don’t know how to recover from this. I am so hurt.